Day 222- The Time Life Was Getting Me Down

I don't know what it is lately, but I've been feeling really down. It's just this constant feeling of loneliness. I've got all my friends at the round table, and I love spending time with them, but... I just can't.
I've noticed that the basement, where I am right now, is sort of a metaphor for my entire life. The basement is where I feel safe. Lonely and unloved, but safe. The basement gives me a sense of familiarity, since I spend so much time in it.
Some days, I go down to the basement because I just felt like being there. Some days, I go down to escape. Some days, I just can't anymore, so I go down. I usually only come up to go to school or because I'm being forced to.
The basement is like depression, or just retreating inside my own mind. Some days, I just want to be inside my own mind. Some days, I retreat to my mind to escape. Some days, I try to socialize and be friendly towards people, but something will inevitably push me back down. I'll always end up back in the basement. Always.
Am I sounding emo? I don't mean to be. It's hard to tell about your feelings or complain about your problems without being judged. Pain? It's not allowed to be felt. Push it in. No one likes to see people cry. The kids who are hurting themselves are just looking for attention. That might be true. But not in the way people say.
The scars on the back of my hands aren't from me hurting myself. They're from the people around me. The ones who are supposed to love me. My family scarred me. Something just breaks inside you when that happens. I haven't trusted Dad with any emotions of mine since grade 6. Mom's slowly losing her good standing as well. My siblings are a joke. They treat me like crud. I'm the good kid, the one who doesn't talk back, the one who does everything right, so, of course, I'm the pushover. They can treat me like crud, because they know I won't do anything about it. I hate it. I hate everything.
I hate everyone who's ever hurt me. I hate school. I hate the unending loneliness. I hate the pain. I hate the feeling of inferiority that comes whenever my younger siblings do something. I hate how my parents take me for granted. I hate society for being so horrible. I hate politics. I hate the fake people I see and am surrounded with every day. I hate Angus. I hate how my time is wasted constantly.
But I do love marshmallows.